Hi ! Positive parenting
Positive parenting supports your child and rewards good behaviour. It doesn’t mean that children don’t need limits and boundaries. Provide a positive environment to nurture, love and support your child in. Secure and well-loved children want to please the people they love. In time they learn to control their own behaviour.
Say positive things to your child. There will always be something you can praise and acknowledge.
‘Thank you for sitting so nicely on the bus today.’
‘You did a great job at tidying your room.’
‘Thank you for drying the dishes.’
Be affectionate. Sometimes, in a busy and stressful day, it is enough to remember to smile at your child when you talk to them. Notice when your child’s behaviour improves and comment on it.
‘Thank you for putting your pyjamas on so quickly.’
‘It was really good that you and Becky didn’t fight today.’
‘Daddy said you came away from crèche really nicely. Well done, you.’
When your child is small, it’s good to distract them from the behaviour you don’t want. Sometimes you can focus on a simple activity to guide them to something else.
Pick your battles. Try to ignore the behaviour that you don’t like. This is equally valid for toddlers and teenagers. No child wants to feel that they can’t do anything right. Sometimes it is easier for everyone to let minor misbehaviour go. If you can’t ignore it, at least try to treat it lightly.
Always make sure your child knows that it is their behaviour, not them that you don’t like.
Give children choices. Your child will learn about making good decisions and feel they have some control and power. Make the choices real: be sure that you’re prepared to accept the choice they make and that they are old enough to make one.
- You can tell your three-year-old: ‘You don’t have fizzy drink for breakfast but you can choose milk or juice’.
- You can tell your seven-year-old: ‘You don’t wear that dress to school but you can wear a skirt or your jeans’.
- You can tell your ten-year-old: ‘I need some help with things around here. Do you want to put away the towels, feed the cat or set the table?’
Give your child a reason for what you are asking them to do – or not do. But you can’t expect a very young child to understand why they shouldn’t touch the heater. Children are aged around three or four before they understand reasons. Keep your explanations simple.
‘If you play in the kitchen while I’m cooking, you might get burnt.’
‘Pop’s coming for dinner today but you can go to Rosie’s tomorrow.’
‘If you bang that, you’ll wake the baby. Why don’t we read that book now?’
Effective parents are warm, firm and leave space for the child to be themselves. Strive to get these three in balance.
Strategies for effective parenting
- Distraction – small children are generally very easy to distract, and older children and teenagers often respond to suggestions of another activity.
- Praise, praise and praise – effective parents use the most praise.
- Stop, look and listen – effective parents take a lively interest in their children and notice the joys, fears and worries behind what children do and say.
- Don’t sweat the small stuff – effective parents ignore most behaviour.
- Take charge firmly when you need to and set clear and consistent boundaries: effective parents are authoritative, that is, they are both warm and firm but not cold and authoritarian bullies, nor are they permissive and neglectful.
- Give your child a second chance (and a third … and a fourth …)
- Believe in your child’s ability to make decisions and give them space.
- Set clear and simple rules in your family and whānau.
- Let your children have an input into family decisions.
- Give lots of love, and hugs and kisses.
- Keep your love unconditional.
Where to go for help and more information
If you are concerned about your child’s behaviour, call Are You Okay, 0800 456 450. See (Link: How we can help you: Referral information) for Jigsaw affiliated agencies and parenting groups in your region.
Useful links
For additional information for parents see:
www.familyservices.govt.nz/skip/
www.occ.org.nz
