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Has a child been sexually abused
Normal/Abnormal sexual behaviour in children

What’s normal?
It is sometimes easy to mistake the signs of sexual abuse with a child’s normal sexual behaviour. Masturbation and some sexual play are normal developmental behaviours. Try not to react with horror or anger when these occur. You may need to guide your child on what is socially acceptable but try not to make them feel guilty or ‘dirty’.

It is normal for a two-year-old to:
• show interest in the different ways boys and girls urinate
• masturbate
• be interested in the physical differences between the sexes.

It is normal for a three-year-old to:
• talk about the differences between boys and girls
• masturbate
• try to urinate like a child of the opposite gender.

It is normal for a four-year-old to:
• hold their genitals and need to urinate when frightened or in an uncomfortable situation
• want privacy for themselves but be interested in other people’s toilet habits
• play ‘show’ (as in ‘you show me yours and I’ll show you mine’)
• masturbate
• use words like poos and wees for attention and as insults – such as poo-face.

It is normal for a five-year-old to:
• be familiar with but less interested in the differences between boys and girls
• masturbate
• be modest and not want to get changed or undressed in front of others.

It is normal for a six-year-old to:
• ask questions about the differences between boys and girls
• play ‘show’ and be interested in other children’s genitals
• masturbate
• giggle about and say rude words and jokes.

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Behaviours of concern
Along with these accepted normal behaviours, there are some areas where you might be concerned and you might consider seeking professional help. The following behaviours relate to young primary school age children.

Normal range	Of concern	Follow up with professional advice
Asks about private parts, sex and babies	Frightened by or anxious about sexual topics	Sexual knowledge too advanced for age
Occasional interested in watching/peeking at people in the toilet	Frequently caught watching/peeking at people in the toilet	Refuses to leave others alone in the toilet and bathroom
Occasionally uses rude words for bathroom functions and genitals	Continues to use rude words for bathroom functions and genitals when told not to	Uses rude words for bathroom functions and genitals even when punished or excluded from school and other activities
Plays 'doctor', looks at other children's bodies	Frequently plays 'doctor' and gets caught after being told not to play this game	Forces other children to play 'doctor' and take their clothes off
Interested in urinating and defecating	Plays with faeces and purposely urinates on the floor	Repeatedly plays with or smears faeces and urinates on furniture on purpose
Touches or rubs genitals when going to sleep or when anxious, excited or afraid	Continues to touch or rub genitals in public when told not to and masturbates with furniture or other objects	Touches or rubs genitals in public and private rather than do other usual childhood activities and masturbates on people
When playing house, acts out all the things Mummy and Daddy do	Imitates sexual behaviour, including humping, with other children or dolls and other toys	Imitates sexual behaviour, including humping, naked or has intercourse with or forces sex on another child
Thinks children of the opposite gender are 'yucky' and chases them	Uses bad language and inappropriate language when they complain	Hurts children of the opposite gender
Talks about sex with friends or about having a boy or girlfriend	Frequently talks about sex or is upset by public displays of affection	Talks about sex a lot and is often in trouble for this and other sexually-related behaviour
Wants privacy when in the bathroom or getting dressed	Becomes very upset if seen in the bathroom or getting dressed	Shows aggression or excessive anxiety when requesting privacy
Likes hearing and telling dirty jokes	Most conversations include dirty jokes or sexual references, or makes sexual sounds such as moans	Continues to include dirty jokes or sexual references in conversations or make sexual sounds, such as moans, even when excluded from school and other activities
Looks at nude pictures	Fascination with nude pictures	Wants to display or masturbate to nude pictures
Plays with children of the same age and sometimes sex or sexual behaviours mentioned as part of game	Plays with younger children and sex or sexual behaviours frequently part of game	Forces others to play games involving sex or sexual behaviours
Draws genitals on human figures	Draws genitals on one specific figure and not others or details and size of genitals vastly different to the rest of the figure	Genitals are the prominent feature in any picture or draws intercourse and other sexual activity
Explores differences between males and females	Confused about differences between males and females even after questions are answered	Plays male or female roles angrily or sadly, or aggressively hates own or other gender
Takes advantage of an opportunity to look at a nude adult or child	Goes out of their way to stare or peek at anyone nude	Asks other children to take off their clothes or tries to forcibly undress them
Occasionally pretends or wants to be the opposite gender	Constantly pretends or wants to be the opposite gender	Hates own gender and/or genitals
Wants to compare genitals with other children of the same age	Wants to compare genitals with much older or younger children or adults	Demands to see the genitals, breasts or buttocks of children or adults
Kissing, and allowing kissing by, familiar adults and children	French kissing or talking in a sexual way with others, or frightened of hugs and kisses and upset by any display of affection	Overly familiar with strangers and talking in a sexual way with unknown adults

If a child tells you about abuse:
• always believe what they tell you
• invite them to tell you more but don’t interrogate them
• listen carefully to what the child or young person says
• keep calm
• keep your feelings – anger, fear, disgust – to yourself
• show your love, concern and support
• tell them that you are pleased that they have told you and that you are very sorry about what has happened
• assure them that you will do something to help
• seek help and advice.

Useful links
www.saferstreets.org.nz
www.cyf.govt.nz

What to do if you suspect abuse
Children who have been harmed need adults to help.

You can call 0800 456 450 for advice.

In most communities there are child and family services that offer advice and help to people concerned about a child and young person and who will provide help to willing families.

You can look for helpful services on www.familyservices.govt.nz/directory

If the child or young person is in immediate danger call the Police (111) or Child, Youth and Family (CYF) (0508FAMILY).

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