Here’s a helping hand
Parents are human and not always perfect. Sometimes it’s just all too much. You might feel:
• at breaking point
• so tired that you don’t care what happens to your child
• you can’t take any more of your child’s behaviour
• ready to explode with anger.
You might want to:
• physically hurt your child
• hurt your child’s feelings.
Call Are You Okay helpline, 0800 456 450
You can call this number for advice and support. Someone will talk you through the situation and help you work out the steps you can take.
First Aid in the heat of the moment
When anger boils, take these safety steps:
• put your child somewhere safe and step back – walk away not towards your child
• take deep breaths – take in more oxygen; slow down your breathing
• yell into a cushion – not at your child
• redirect your energy away from your child – put on some music, take a bath
• ask for help – call a family member or friend for support or call 0800 456 450
It helps avoid ‘boil-overs’ if you can tell your children you love them, and show it with cuddles and hugs. Take an interest in their lives. Ask them how they feel and what they think. Love is stronger than fear.
It helps if you recognise your own early warning signs, and if you can avoid hitting or smacking. Lots of behaviour is best ignored.
Look after yourself. Call ‘time out’ for you and have a break with friends or relatives.
Ask for help now if:
• the feelings are getting worse or you think you’re close to losing control
• you are being beaten or harmed yourself – you cannot be the parent you want to be, and your children are at risk, if you are living with violence.
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Call the Are You Okay 0800 number 0800 456 450.
About the Are You Okay campaign
The campaign is to increase awareness and understanding of family violence and promote changes in behaviour to reduce the incidence of family violence. What happens in families affects our neighbourhoods, schools, workplaces and communities. It has far reaching and devastating social and economic costs. This campaign will build on the work that's already being done in communities throughout New Zealand. It will change the social climate in New Zealand so that Family Violence is Never OK. An 0800 Family Violence Information Line (0800 456 450) provides self-help information and connects people to services where appropriate. It is available seven days a week, from 9am to 11pm, with an after-hours message redirecting callers in the case of an emergency.
The Campaign website plays an important part in mobilising New Zealanders. It contains information for personal change for people who are violent and people who influence them, as well as information for community engagement and for the media
A Community Action Toolkit provides practical information about how to get involved in community action. Other resources are also available through the 0800 number, website and community organisations. See www.areyouok.org.nz
Call now if you fear that you or someone else may harm a child. Children who may be in danger, or who are being harmed, need adults to help. Who calls the helpline?
Anyone concerned about a child can call the helpline for advice and information. People who use this number include parents, step parents, grandparents, children and young people, neighbours, caregivers and extended whānau.
Some of the calls we receive are about:
• feelings of anger and rage towards a child
• someone physically hurting a child
• sexual abuse of a child
• feeling you are ready to explode with anger and frustration
• feelings of not coping
• children’s behaviour
• how to parent positively
• an unsettled baby
• tantrums
• care of grandchildren
• parents/caregivers feeling isolated
• access issues with the other parent
• older children hurting a new baby
• blended families
• a violent partner.
A call to 0800 456 450 will be answered by someone who will listen and give helpful advice. This includes talking with you about your options and suggesting other services that might better meet your needs. Call 0800 456 450 if:
• you fear that you may hurt a child
• you have hurt a child
• an adult is hurting you
• you can’t cope with your child’s behaviour.
^ TO TOP How do you know if a child is being abused?
It isn’t always easy to tell whether a child is being abused. Many of the signs and symptoms can be caused by other problems. See ‘Hot topics: What is child abuse?’ for further information on this. It is worth checking out whether abuse is an issue if a child or young person:
• tells of, or gives hints about, abuse
• has unexplained injuries
• is a baby and does not grow or develop
• is a toddler and does not develop social and other skills
• loses interest in school work and friends
• has unexplained sadness or anger
• shows behavioural extremes that are unusual in a child or young person – either overly aggressive, demanding and attention seeking, or unnaturally compliant, listless and withdrawn
• shows sexual knowledge or behaviour that is too grown up for them
• is anti-social, delinquent or truanting
• suddenly changes their behaviour or personality, or is reluctant to undress.
What to do if a child tells you about abuse or if you suspect a child in your family/whānau is being abused
If a child in your family or whānau tells you that they are abused or you suspect abuse:
• always believe what they tell you
• invite them to tell you more but don’t interrogate them
• listen carefully to what the child or young person says
• stay calm
• keep your feelings – anger, fear, disgust – to yourself
• show your love, concern and support
• tell them that you are pleased that they have told you what has happened and that you are very sorry
• reassure them that it isn’t their fault
• assure that them that you will do something to help
• seek help and advice.
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