If things are getting worse, take action to turn the vicious cycle around. Try something different. Think about the ideas on this page, talk to other parents and elders and look in books. Enrol in a course. Parents learn along with their children.
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What to do about negative behaviour
Remember that rule breaking is part of your child’s development. Your child will learn about the boundaries in your family and whānau by pushing against them.
Having consequences will teach your child responsibility. You can explain consequences by offering your child choices. Your child will learn they have a choice – stop the behaviour or face the consequence.
Some consequences are natural: if your child won’t wear a jacket in the rain = your child gets wet = your child learns to dress appropriately.
Others are logical consequences: you have told your child to tidy the blocks or you won’t switch on the TV = your child doesn’t tidy the blocks = you don’t switch on the TV.
Remember to give positive attention for positive behaviour. Tell your child when they’re behaving well, don’t just tell them off when they’re misbehaving.
The foundation stones of effective discipline
Remember that “discipline” is about guidance, growth and development. You lay the foundation stones of a strong family when you put these six principles in place:
Love and nurture your child
• Be warm and loving.
• Give lots of praise.
• Show your affection.
• Have fun with your children.
• Respect the children in your family and whānau.
Talk and listen to your child
• Make sure you have your child’s full attention when you’re telling them something.
• Explain the behaviour you expect and why, but make sure your explanation is suitable for your child’s age and understanding.
• Give more positive messages than negative ones.
• Really listen to what your child is telling you.
• Ask questions about what they did at playcentre or school.
• Respond to their questions truthfully and patiently.
Guide your child’s behaviour
• Be clear about the behaviour you expect and allow in your family and whānau.
• Teach your child about natural and logical consequences.
• Telling your child what is acceptable is more effective than only telling them what isn’t.
• Monitoring and guiding your child’s behaviour is an essential part of raising a child.
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Set limits and boundaries
• Children need rules and boundaries so they can learn what behaviours are acceptable in your family and whānau and in the wider community.
• Be consistent about the behaviour you will accept.
• Model the behaviour you want from your child.
• Children appreciate fair rules.
• Set appropriate limits and consequences for your child’s age.
There are consequences from certain behaviours
• Be consistent with the consequences for misbehaviour.
• Make sure you follow through with any consequences that you have explained to your child.
• Don’t enforce consequences that are too harsh or aren’t fair.
• Don’t humiliate or shame your child as a disciplinary consequence of their behaviour.
Help make your child’s world structured and secure
• Make a child-friendly space for your child to play in.
• Keep backyards fenced and gates shut.
• Cover power sockets.
• Create routines that suit your family and whānau.
• Use rituals to celebrate family occasions and mark special times and days for your child.
Source for discipline guidance information: Institute of Child Protection Studies and S.K.I.P.
Where to go for help and more information
If you are concerned about the discipline used in your family and whānau, call Are You Okay, 0800 456 450. See (Link: How we can help you: Referral information) for Jigsaw affiliated agencies and parenting groups in your region.
Useful links
For additional information for parents see:
www.familyservices.govt.nz/skip/
www.occ.org.nz
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